"won't look down upon me, Jesus
You've got to help me make a stand
You've just got to see me through another day"

Went through the weekend and no alcohol. Was tempted to go up and play the blind draw darts at the bar saturday, but decided better to stay away for a bit. I have to say that working nights alone and being home all day alone I am wanting some social interaction that is what was pulling me to go saturday. One thing I'm finding out is just how much I've lied to myself trying to justify my reasons for drinking and why I drink too much. I think this journey is going to more eye opening than I realized....

Thank you Jesus for seeing me through another day...I'm still "Movin' on..."

"won't look down upon me, Jesus
You've got to help me make a stand
You've just got to see me through another day"

Well made it through Thanksgiving. I was able to say no when offered a beer. I have to admit the thought crossed my mind oh I'll have one to be social, but I remembered my promise to myself "No more period". Feels good today to be proud of myself for that instead of feeling guilty for giving in. I talked to my nephew on the phone he has a month off and will be coming to town Friday. This will be a test, whenever we get together the alcohol flows. I know he is going to give me a lot of grief when I tell him I've made this decision. I knew there would be some temptations to overcome, I didn't know that a big one would come along this quick. We have a close relationship though and I believe that if I talk to him sincerely enough about it, he will respect my decision. He tends to binge as well, hell maybe I can even help inspire him to at least control doing that.

I won't have internet access again till Monday night so till then I will still be "Movin' on..." and Thank you Jesus for seeing me through another day...

More time today to introduce myself...
This still may be a bit of denial on my part, but I don't think that I am addicted to alcohol. I don't feel as though I crave alcohol. My problem is that I'm a binge drinker and as such I do have a problem with alcohol all the same.

I'm an introverted person. I've used alcohol as a my crutch to allow myself to be "social". I don't start out to get drunk it just happens. I have a few to "losin' up" but the problem is once I start I don't stop. The only reason I go home at the end of the night is because they kick me out the door. Hell I've even said one more quick one at closing time only to find myself thinking if I down this fast enough I may be able to squeeze in one more quick one and at times even get home and have another one or two before finally collapsing into bed. Maybe that is addiction, I don't know?.

I do know that alcohol had caused nothing but problems in all areas of my life and I can't think of anything it's done that has been positive. It has caused me to hurt the person I love in my life. I have put her through unimaginable pain in what I have said to her and the way I have acted. It's amazing what comes to you when you decide it's time to start being honest with yourself. For until I did that the first day, I never really saw just how much I have put her through. The even more amazing thing is even after telling me that she would never speak to me (and she had warned me previously that would happen) because I did something that she asked me never to do again (yes this was caused by my drinking) she still called me the other day. How could I have been so blind to not see how much she loves me, how much she has put up with me and still comes back for more. NOT THIS TIME THOUGH!!! Alcohol has been the demon working through me to have caused all that pain, but not any more. Her words to me "You are one of the nicest persons I know, and would do anything for anyone. I can see that. But when you start drinking you turn into someone I don't want to know."

I had a talk with my roommate who is also a friend I've know for years. I am involved in playing darts which is how we met. He knows of the stormy back and forth relationship. He has talked to the other person involved and knows her quite well. I asked him what he thought about my drinking and he said "you tend to go overboard when you get on the drink". I told him that I have decided that I NEED to quit drinking. We talked some more and he said maybe you don't need to quit just learn to control it better. For the first time, and maybe a first step, I was honest with myself, I told him no, I've tried that it isn't working I NEED to stop. He looked at me and he said you know best what you need to do. He then put his hand out shook my hand and said you are a great guy and you can do this.

While I don't have the cravings, this will still be hard. I work nights and I'm the only here. Thus I'm home alone all day while my roommate works. So I spend a lot of time alone. Part of the reason I went to the bar was the craving for social interaction. I'm not quite sure how I'm going to replace that. As I said I play darts, it's a sport I love to play a lot. Everyone I'm friends or aquintances with play darts. For now, because of not having the craving for alcohol I'm going to try to continue with it. They do have non-alcoholic drinks after all and see how that goes. One of the hard parts is that I get nervous playing and feel that I play better after a few to take the "edge" off so I am going to have to learn a new way to do that. However if I feel that it is becoming too tempting to have just a couple to do that then I will have to give up a sport that I love as well for awhile at least till I'm stronger. See that is part of my problem I've promised myself sooooo many times I'll just have a couple, I'll just spend this much and that's it or, I'll leave at such and such a time and honestly I don't think I have ever even once kept that promise to myself. Not only broken it, but did so by going way beyond the limit I set. A couple would turn into a fifth, spend $20, I'd spend $80, I'll leave at 8:00, I'd be it's closing time already.

You know the more I think about it....how many times the morning after I've put myself through the guilt of what I did, only to find some way of justifying it. Well I don't want to lie to myself anymore....So movin' on is where I'm going

I will be speaking about some people in my life as I go I assume anyway (and yes I know how to spell ass-u-me) so for clarification Roy is my roommate and friend, Liz is the best relationship.

It somehow seems appropriate that I start this today Thanksgiving 2005. I want to thank someone very special to me who is the inspiration for the journey I'm am about to embark upon. I don't have much time today to start this so I'll be adding more details day by day. My hope is that I find encouragement and hope for others out here in cyberland and most important that I may inspire at least one other to face up to their own demons whether it be alcohol, as is my case, or any other demon that has taken the control of their life from them. That they may have the strength to confront and win back control of their life from that demon. I also would like to thank Gettin' sober for their courage to share their own battle and helping me to start mine.

I hope one day that this will be my theme song....

Rascal Flatts - I'm Movin' On Lyrics

"I've dealt with my ghosts and faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself
I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I'm movin' on

I've lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they're always the same
They mean no harm but it's time that I face it
They'll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong
I'm movin' on

I'm movin' on
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there's no guarentee's, but I'm not alone
There comes a time in everyone's life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone

I sold what I could and packed what I couldn't
Stopped to fill up on my way out of town
I've loved like I should but lived like I shouldn't
I had to lose everything to find out
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road
I'm movin' on

I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on